Matt Gray

Is there another battle?

Apr 2, 2003

Ever typed “meaning of life” into google? I’m sitting here, in front of my glowing CRT (alas, no funds for LCD) thinking about what to write, and I realize how trivial the whole thing really is. I wonder how many hours I stare at combinations of red, green, and blue light, attempting to interface with an almost completely malleable artificial reality.

I’ve recently been searching for deeper meaning in the mundane. I know that sounds like complete hogwash from some sort of intellectually pompous individual with delusions of his own intuitional faculty - but it’s true.

On campus, most passerby avert their gaze or simply walk as if they were still all alone. I do the same, I’ve had friends literally run into me since I’m off listening to music or contemplating some thoughts while I walk. Has it always been this way?

Being outside and among others is at the same time wonderful and terrible, to me. There is an undeniable feeling of freedom when you inhale fresh air, and see the sky. It’s rare to find people looking at the sky and clouds as they walk along. Most people I see have their heads down, focused inward, walking quickly. I’ve tried to slow my pace and simply stare at everything, but it is well-nigh impossible. For some reason I have a quick pace burned into my synapses, and my mind feels wrong when I stop and stare fixedly at light and shadow.

Having scant experience makes it difficult to imagine myself older. Will I have nothing better to do than scurry from meeting to gym to television to bed? Am I somehow different? What made everybody the same? How can I avoid that fate?

These are some of the thoughts and questions running through my mind right now. Professional philosopher I am not, as one might surmise. Trying to remove yourself from the vast social machinery around every person in this country is very difficult. I think this is Chief Bromden’s “Combine” in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

Please don’t misinterpret what I’m saying - I’m far from a technophobe, or a sociophobe, or what have you. I’m simply thinking about what distractions are acceptable, and my goals right now. I certainly wish to complete my bachelor’s degree, and possibly continue studying for a Master’s. I love my current job, and I’m starting to like astronomy as a result.

I’m extremely unsure of the message inherent in what I just wrote. This has basically been s-of-c rambling. This is also where I disclaim any insanity. ;-)

Good night.

← Previous Post Next Post →