Matt Gray

Utterly destroyed.

Jul 15, 2005

I wish there was an injectable substitute for sleep. One stab of the needle, and you’re full of restful calm; peace.

My jaw has been popping in odd ways when I eat; the reason may be my rising stress level. I think I have my entire face clenched all day long. My right eye has regained its annoying twitch. A permanent scowl is fixed across my face.

I am, however, nearly finished with my project, the only project, the all-consuming project. It has dominated my thoughts, dreams, and energy for the last month. I’ve been working on it longer, but it only recently intruded on my non-work life. Nightmares about work are extremely unsettling things.

The project could have been completed this evening, but I was pulled away by a friend’s need. Perhaps I’m too callous with my time, renting or giving it away to others with nary a thought. I do not think this is true. It does not change the dull ache in my head, the late hour, and the need for some sort of closure and rest. My vacation cannot come quickly enough. Why do I do this?

The explanation is simple. I love using computers to help people. Whether that means building powerful, interactive web publishing software or helping someone set up a new computer, the common factor is there. I could not code in a vacuum, writing software only for myself. Ultimately, I need an external purpose before I start clattering out the curly braces or debugging Windows XP. Knowing this, my work has always been worthwhile.

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